|Journeys: Seeker of Truth|
|Date: December 12, 1998|
|Hi. This is my first time on the Internet. I've recently finally woken up to how I've been deceived by M. It's
taken a few months for the upset to subside. The process has been helped by lots of contemplation, counselling
and the Internet. I now feel liberated, awake, alive and ready to tell my story.
I received K in '72. Did 'full time service' and lived in ashrams until '76. But M's world was so dysfunctional I resigned and disassociated myself from D.L.M. until '81 when I gave it another go. Despite the fact that M had changed his image, the dysfunctional stuff was still the same and I dropped out yet again.
In 1988 I became involved once more, believing as I always had that K was real, that M had the key and had mastered the experience. I discovered the secrecy, dishonesty and insincerity had gotten worse. M didn't seem to know what was happening. I wrote him a letter but received no reply. I kept my distance not being able to relate, but could not deny my thirst or my experience of meditation.
A few years ago I decided to get involved yet again. Why..Why..Why??? The happiest time of my life was when I received K. The master was here, I was blessed, it was grace; I was sincere; I was high, filled with appreciation. I trusted; I had faith. When I became troubled and overwhelmed by the dysfunctionality of M's world, I couldn't meditate. I felt like a failure, I didn't deserve this gift. It was somehow my fault, my problem. I had to try harder, try again and again. My efforts to resolve the conflict became intense. Convinced M was surrounded by fanatical premies who had long ago lost the plot, I embarked upon a mission to be honest, to confront the issues with other premies.
I could write a book about the dysfunctional aspects of M's world. The darshan addicted, pyramid climbing core group of premies surrendered their minds (including commonsense and discrimination) to M years ago (After all, this was and still is the path of devotion to the living lord). They run the show like a bunch of frightened (vulnerable) children always trying to please, doing it HIS way, and blaming themselves. Being yelled at by a father who by any normal standards would be condemned as insensitive and uncaring.
I quickly discovered other premies were seriously threatened by my attempts to uncover the truth. I was intimidated and shouted down.
The crunch came when I was made aware of a blatant attempt by M to crush dissent in the ranks using classic mind control tactics, in particular, guilt. The process reduced some premies to tears. Admitting their sins, they became the vulnerable children and he the patriarchal angry father. Truth and understanding were nowhere to be seen.
The penny dropped at last. I realised M was ultimately responsible for the dysfunctional stuff! I had been deceived and he didn't care.
The grief and anger I experienced when I finally saw M's deceit was the most intensely traumatic emotional experience of my life. I had wrecked forever my relationship with my mother and given hundreds of thousands of dollars to this deceitful little man's organisation, but worst of all I'd ignored my commonsense and intuition many times over the years. I felt stupid.
I could write a lot about how I was deceived. But at the moment I need to keep my identity to myself, so for now I'd just like to publish the letter I wrote to M in 1989. It's still just as relevant today as it was then and I still haven't received a reply.
My name is ______. I received knowledge sixteen years ago. I worked for many years in full time service as an administrator and lived in an ashram.
During this time I devoted myself to you and your work. The more I gave the more I received. The experience of bliss was overwhelming - not a series of fleeting moments, but a continuous flow punctuated by profound experiences that transcended this dimension.
I now find myself in a very different situation. Doubt in your judgement and the clarity of those around you overwhelms my faith in you. I'm asking for your help to confront a number of issues that when resolved will hopefully lead me to a clearer understanding of myself and what is true or false.
At this stage in my life there is only one thing more important to me than knowledge and my relationship to you and that's the truth. Without it I will never have a foundation upon which to build. So I'm writing in an attempt to confess my concerns and face up to what appears to be happening. I know what appears to be is not necessarily the truth. I'm aware I have a limited perspective and hope my straightforward approach doesn't offend you.
Despite your efforts and best intentions it appears you are losing support in Australia. I suspect from your opening remarks at a recent program that you do not know why.
Few of the original wave of 'premies', and only a small percentage of more recent recipients now attend programs, or have much to do with Elan Vital. Perhaps some are practising knowledge and don't feel the need to participate in other ways. Others may lack inspiration to meditate and not realise its value.
There is, however, a long list of unexplained anomalies and confusing contradictions directly related to you that have never been explained, and contribute to people's lack of commitment. Many of these unresolved issues date back to when you were very young and could be explained because of your naivety, cultural conditioning and family influences. For this reason, the past may be best forgotten and it could be, if there hadn't been an effort to cover it up. When recent recipients of knowledge hear rumours of you sitting upon the throne encouraging 'devotion to the Lord of the Universe' it raises questions that don't get answered. Even though you have gone to great lengths to bury the past, it will be a problem unless there is a clearer explanation. I personally think the image change was the only sensible course open to you, but making the change brought up lots of questions. Over the years you have only made passing references to the subject and never really resolved it.
Much could be said about the 'Lord of the Universe' era - extravagant gifts, 'Rolls Royces', fast cars, the ill-conceived passenger jet project and more. Forgive me for saying, for those who don't know, your past reads like that of a playboy with little sensitivity for the plight of the third world or the need to set an example of moderation to consumers in the west.
Your lifestyle was accepted and actually encouraged by devotees because of your spiritual status. Nevertheless it was something that kept us justifying your actions to parents and friends for years. It presented a barrier to many moderate Christian-minded folk who had an understandable image of a humble spiritual leader
In hindsight, your apparent lifestyle made knowledge unavailable to many who would have benefited from meditation and your wonderful non-conceptual approach.
Nearly all evidence of the past - tapes, films, magazines - have been recalled and most of it probably destroyed. There have been various debriefings by instructors where terminology was changed and we were told what we could and could not say. I believe your motives are good but your change of image was a sensitive issue that needed more direct communication from you.
One could be forgiven for suspecting we have not learnt the most obvious lessons from the past, as mistakes are repeated and there is more potential than ever for confusion.
Your attitude to money must be confusing to many conservative people. On one hand you never have enough (and as a result it is a persistent issue), and on the other you appear to condone it's waste. This was acceptable when you were happy to be perceived as 'The Lord'. As many devotees thought you held the divine purse strings and could open them at will. Obviously this was never the case. Money is a convenient way of using limited energy. Its waste contributes to the demise of the planet. Ambitious ill-conceived projects that cost, or lost, many thousands of dollars litter the history of DLM and Elan Vital. If I am incorrect I would like to be set right. No doubt you have lost support because others like myself have this impression.
We now have the unfortunate situation where knowledge is free but to see you even on video costs a lot. We must all suspect this is a major contributing factor to the decrease in program attendances. Who can blame people? Practising knowledge i! s a challenge as you have said; no immediate results are guaranteed no matter how sincerely it is practised!
For some premies to attend a program means taking time off work, going interstate or overseas, and paying a considerable amount to hear you speak. Knowledge is now virtually unavailable to the working class and the unemployed by virtue of the fact that an integral part of practising it is attending programs. Is this correct? Could programs be funded by budgeting and cutting out unnecessary expense?
Your choice of a $50,000 sports car for your birthday, to be housed at your Brisbane residence for your exclusive use whenever you visit Australia, adds to my doubts about your judgement.
Your attitude towards instructors and administrators appears to be arrogant and unappreciative. If you act like the 'headmaster' and chastise your students you will stifle objective criticism and be kept from knowing the truth. Most people I'm referring to have given a great deal of their time and effort and need encouragement. Passing the blame when ultimately you are in charge and therefore responsible is not on. At the last Adelaide program you said, 'They were supposed to bring the seed but they brought the whole tree'. In fact you watered and promoted the growth of that tree for years whilst 'Mahatmas' I knew (quite well) only tried to serve you according to their understanding.
Your suggestion that you don't need administrators and instructors, that you are choosing to let them help, and could do it all alone, may sound fine to some but sounds crazy to me. It sounded just as foolish to hear you quoted as saying you would give knowledge yourself and dispense with instructors completely. Since that statement I am told you have changed your mind and have ordained four instructors. Can you forgive me for thinking you say things off the top of your head and don't think things through? I could give you a few other examples but I feel it would be rather impolite.
I don't blame you when you get a bit frustrated by the efforts of instructors and administrators. There may be some excellent people amongst them but I've seen some hopeless cases with far too much responsibility blundering about making a mess of things. I can't work out why with so many amazing people in this world, working hard for world peace in so many different ways, more aren't serving you.
For years poor communication of your direction by instructors and initiators has been given as the reason behind so many decision changes dating back to the first dissolution of the ashrams. Poor communication has sometimes seemed like an excuse simply because there was no explanation, at least you gave none and others happily took the blame (eg. 'it must be us because Maharaji can do no wrong'). Lots of problems could have been solved years ago by the introduction of tapes and videos addressing a variety of issues, especially major changes that were difficult to interpret and affected peoples' lives dramatically. It was too much to expect others with second hand information could represent you accurately. In an age where international organisations communicate effectively by fax, tape and video, it's beyond me why you don't avail yourself of the same technology. If we have nothing to hide even if a few tapes etc went missing it wouldn't matter anyway.
At a recent meeting of regular contributors, in answer to questions put to Jan McGregor regarding a long term premie who was confused and distressed by some of the concerns I've expressed in this letter, she said, 'They are free to leave it's their choice'. These people deserve more consideration than that! An instructor recently said, 'People have to make up their minds to support Maharaji and practise knowledge or not'. I find these attitudes disturbing. They suggest to me a lack of understanding of the commitment people have made, the crisis they now face and the REAL issues at hand. These attitudes are too cold and clinical for me to accept. Surely they do not reflect your attitudes.
It's fruitless for me to talk to premies about the issues raised in this letter. Some premies have the attitude you can do no wrong, others are afraid of dissent, or afraid to examine their faith. Some honestly just think I'm out of it.
I SHOULD be confused considering you are my spiritual guide and inspiration and I appear to be questioning and criticising! Nevertheless, even though it's hard, because I have discriminated between the spiritual and the material it's not as hard as it could be. I have no doubts the experience we seek is inside and that meditation is the way to access it. I love your non-conceptual, non-dogmatic approach. I like your personality (when you don't waffle on, get off the track, waste words and appear arrogant). I don't doubt your commitment and sincerity. The saving grace for me is that above all I want the truth whether it suits my ideas or not. If in the light of that truth I'm a fool, so be it.
Even though I can't see I deserve it I have been blessed with insight and have an experience that is difficult to talk about. Even though it almost drowns beneath a pile of trivia and day to day mundanity, when I dive deep I feel it and I'm left with that warm 'of course, how could I ever forget' feeling and I sometimes remember the first time we met, wave upon wave of bliss.
I hope you're still reading and that this letter helps us both in some way. Forgive the heavy stuff. Perhaps one day we will meet.
Sincere regards, A seeker of truth.