But were/are you happy?
My problems 'around' were directly due to him
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Date: Fri, Jul 21, 2000 at 01:31:53 (GMT)
From: hamzen
Email: None
To: VP
Subject: But were/are you happy?

The meditation as meditation and as a part of a zenish attitude to living worked and still does fine for me,

but gm was another ball game,
all of my problems 'around' were directly due to him.

(1) The organisation was obviously completely crap, but by the mid eighties I could no longer blame that on the premies, it became very obvious he was incompetent, and I seriously began to doubt that he wanted to spread this knowledge at all.

(2) Most of the premies I knew were obviously getting very little of real benefit from practising and it seemed obvious to me that that was because of their confusion because they were always trying to fit in with the messages of gm, contradictory and forked tongued as they were, and allowed themselves to get fucked up in the head because of the social pressures of being a 'premie', and those social pressures came directly from quotes of gm. By the mid eighties this meant it was obvious he had either a serious lack of awareness about psychology, or lack of care about the effects of his words.

(3) He was a source of complete embarrassment when talking about the experience of knowledge to people not involved, having to justify his lifestyle to people was impossible, even I couldn't hang onto 'he only does it to blow peoples concepts' for so long, because it was obvious that a lot of premies were trying to ape his lifestyle, and non-premies mostly laughed at that explanation. When he needed to go completely humble and non-materialistic to blow their concepts, no change, la de da.

(4) The half monty bum wiggling krishna crowning was excruciating to behold, and was seriously dodgy to me, and at the least was bound to lead to a lot of confusion, distraction, and for women, didn't think of or know any gay premies then, obviously interpreted as sexual mixed with an attractive shyness by a lot of people.

(5) Hated the abuse that leaked from him on a regular basis and the attempt to fill people with guilt, in nearly every one of his speeches.

(6) Because of the above and other things, like how come the people nearer gm were the biggest arseholes & fakes in the premie community meant I invested in the lila concept big time, which was seriously a fuck up mentally.

(7) Always had real problems with his squeeky voice, and his dissociation from his body, so un real. Anybody I knew who got a lot from meditation, and myself, experienced the exact opposite from our experiences.

(8) Hated his suits, hair style, moustaches, lack of style in general, especially since he seemed to think these made him appear 'cool'.

(9) Positive stuff about him, the basic taoist/buddhist about living stuff sprinkled amongst his satsangs, confirmed stuff I already believed, but even there after every one of his okish quotes there was always some really dodgy quote I couldn't relate to at all.

(10) For a long time I was very grateful to him for the techniques and the experiences I had by practicing the techniques, thought they were his, via shri hans, didn't know they were bog standard, I was seriously unschooled about spiritual traditions.

(11) Occasionally used to get energy rushes looking at him, which I thought were because he was experiencing something strong in that moment & leaking it.

(12) Then, I was inspired by him in my detchment from everything, and increases in confidence due to spiritual arrogance, some of the worst by products of his character.

Overall he was a source of complete confusion and self-doubt, and a serious distraction, and later on a source of anger.

That anger turned to serious disillusionment and loss of hope in all spiritual leaders, more than ever before, and myself, since as detached from him as I was, it made me realize how bad my judgements could be, and how slow I was to realize this. It meant a long time afterwards I was still ripping myself to shreads, rotten vegetables indeed.

The only thing I can thank him for now, is how acutely aware of spin and dodgy logic I am now, that he got me into analysing language at a level I doubt I would ever have done otherwise, and the black humour of it all, very intense and seriously Basil Faulty'ish. Oh and walking when I still didn't know if this was all some gigantic cosmic lila, meant I found a level of courage mentally that I hadn't had before.

Oh and because of this all, have finally come to terms with my shadow side.

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